Tween Talk: Tween Stressors
Source: Dallas Woodburn
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Note from Tween Parent: As part of our commitment to helping parents appreciate the challenges our preteens face, we're pleased to announce a new column called Tween Talk. Dallas Woodburn works extensively with tweens and plans to bridge the gap between parents and kids by sharing her insights along with advice from experts in the field.
Dallas asks: "How can you build a better relationship with your tween?" By stepping into their flip-flops or Converse sneakers. Here are some things tweens want their parents to know – with advice and solutions from parenting experts.
We feel time-crunched.
Tweens today not only carry heavy backpacks to school, they carry heavy homework loads, too. Indeed, middle schoolers nowadays have more homework each night than their parents had in high school.
Many tweens are already thinking about college. In today’s world, if you want to go to college, you have to take advanced courses, study hard enough to get mostly A’s, take the SATs (and maybe an SAT study course), and perhaps even enroll in summer school to get the needed requirements. Plus, in your “spare” time, you need to perform volunteer work and other extracurricular activities that most colleges look for in hopeful applicants.
Not quite the carefree school days you remember when a B-average pretty much assured you of getting into the college you wanted. Add in sports (or music or art), and a 28-hour day would still be too short to get everything done.
To be sure, society is continually pressuring tweens of the 21st Century to pile more and more onto their plates, and the result is busier schedules, less free time and a great deal more stress. “Tween children are becoming focused on determining where they fit in the world social order,” says Jennifer Jones, PhD and author of Three P’s of Parenting (Power, Protection, Prediction). “They likely have keen interests in certain activities such as writing, performance, sports, or maybe building things. By overscheduling themselves in activities at school, tweens are not necessarily developing those skills in a way that is fulfilling – instead, they might only be occupying time.”
And what does this mean for you as a parent? Too often, it adds up to a tense relationship with your tween, moody conflicts and even fights.
“I frequently feel fire red because I am frustrated with my dad,” confesses Lindsey, eleven. “I am trying to do important homework and he is telling me to do the dishes. He just doesn’t get it. Things were hard enough in elementary school – now I am in middle school and life is only getting more stressful. The worst part is knowing it will be like this for a while.”
Yes, it is important for tweens to participate in family activities and help with household chores – these things help create a family bond and sense of community, in addition to teaching tweens responsibility and time management. But it is equally important for parents to help their tween find time to decompress.
“Parents must be proactive in making sure that the child’s and family’s schedules include downtime,” advises Dr. Jimmy Myers, family counselor. “Unless the parents are proactive in making sure these times are there, tweens will learn that you must fill every moment of every day. We were never intended to be engaged in activity 24/7. There is a need for us to have downtime and parents must make it happen – it’s not going to happen on its own.”
Our activities and commitments are important to us.
How do you keep the peace with your stressed-out tween? An important step is simply recognizing that your busy son or daughter sometimes feels like he or she is juggling a dozen fragile plates.
“I used to do ballet, was on two basketball teams, practiced bassoon forty-five minutes a day, and homework,” says Mallory, a middle-schooler from California. “I used to get really stressed and my parents would just yell at me, saying that my grades were dropping and I should work harder. I was really really overwhelmed.”
Acknowledging that your tween has commitments and obligations that are important to him or her – even if these responsibilities are different than yours – can make a world of difference.
Nancy Silberman Zwiebach, psychotherapist and director of the “School Psychs on Call” program, emphasizes that it is crucial for parents to listen to their tweens. “Pay attention to not only words, but body language and the accompanying emotional expression,” Zwiebach says. “Take what they say seriously. If there is a problem, first understand – really understand – from their point of view, then ask ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ or ‘Is there something you’d like from me?’ as opposed to offering solutions.” While it may seem counterintuitive, Zwiebach says this strategy works because parents communicate confidence in their tweens’ abilities to work out problems on their own, while also remaining present to listen and help. “People don’t like to be told what to do,” Zwiebach explains, “but it is very reassuring to know that someone is there to help work out possibilities.”
Tamar Chansky, anxiety expert and parenting author, agrees. “The more we jump in with solutions, the more [tweens] – sometimes rightfully so – feel like we aren’t listening to them,” she explains. “Instead, we will get much further with our tweens if we empathize with what they are feeling.” This doesn’t mean you should agree with everything your tween says; rather, it means acknowledging and respecting how your tween is feeling in this moment. “If we can join with [tweens] about how bad they are feeling,” Chansky points out, “this then may give them just the room they need to put things in perspective themselves.”
Mallory was able to talk to her parents about how swamped she was feeling, and she has cut back on her activities. “Things are better this [school] year,” she told me.
We’re not “perfect.”
In addition to stress, many tweens struggle with the pressure to be “perfect.” Of course it is wonderful to be involved in your child’s life and help him with homework. But sometimes problems arise when parents become too insistent on every assignment being mistake-free.
“My parents are constantly on me about my schoolwork,” complains Talia, twelve. “Sometimes I’m so caught up in not making a mistake that I’m not focused on actually learning. Plus, it causes more stress and I don’t enjoy what I’m doing.”
So, as a parent, how do you toe the line between too-involved and not-involved enough? “While it is awesome that [my parents] have a genuine interest in my academics, I would like some space to make mistakes and really learn from them,” Talia says. Let your tween know you are there to help her – but don’t watch over her shoulder as she does her homework. Importantly, let her know that mistakes are a necessary part of learning and improving.
“Tweens need to fail in a safe and loving environment,” affirms Josh Shipp, motivational speaker and lecturer on teen and tween issues. “Everyone fails, everyone makes mistakes! If you deny them the opportunity to make their own decisions (even bad ones), you deny them a critical step on the path to adulthood.”
So what should you, as a loving and concerned parent, do when mistakes inevitably knock your tween down?
“Be there for them, accept them, affirm them, and help them break down what happened,” advises Shipp. “Ask them, How was that? How’d it go? Were you scared? What would you do differently next time?”
Tamar Chonsky explains that for tweens, when one thing goes wrong, it feels like everything is wrong – and irrevocably so – thanks to the combination of high emotions and negative thinking super-sizing the moment. “Help tweens get specific and narrow the mistake or problem down to its original source,” she suggests. “If tweens say, ‘I’m terrible at math!’ empathize first, then help them identify where that idea got started – maybe they didn’t understand a word problem on the test.” In this way, you are helping your tween shrink the problem down to a size that is both realistic and manageable.
It all goes back to respecting your tweens as individuals with their own busy lives and chockfull schedules. Empathy and understanding help a great deal in minimizing tension and eliminating needless battles.
“Listen to your kids,” Mallory emphasized when I asked what her biggest advice is to parents of tweens. “Especially when we say we’re stressed. We’re not kidding! A little bit of listening goes a long way.”
Dallas Woodburn is the author of two award-winning collections of short stories for tweens (available at her website WriteOnBooks.org) and a forthcoming novel. Her publishing company, Write On! Books, publishes anthologies of stories, essays, and poetry written by young writers for young audiences. Dallas also visits schools and youth groups to teach innovative and fun writing workshops and speak about the importance of literacy.