Girl Talk: When Texting Becomes Too Much

Source: Donna Fish

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One of the biggest changes you may notice as your daughter is in this be-twixt and between stage before becoming a full blown teenager, is that she is needing to talk, talk, and talk, to her friends. Now as we are moving away from telephones, we notice that our preteens are texting, texting, texting! Has anyone out there had to tell their kid to stop doing this at the dinner table? They can be a bit sneakier now! Downward glances at their device while they think you may not be looking!

Even if they don't yet have cell phones where they text up a storm, many of our kids are already on their computers. I-M'ing, FaceBooking; there are no end of websites that offer our kids ways to communicate with each other.

One of the key developmental issues going on is that our preteens are moving into that stage of their lives, where social connections are everything. Feeling part of things, being in the loop is key. A fairly recent book on the female brain helps us understand from a biological point of view, why in fact, girls' need to connect is part of their brain biology, and that not connecting triggers anxiety. (The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D., Broadway Books).  As girls are entering puberty hormones are kicking in and identity questions are becoming ever more important. Who am I? Where do I fit in? These are the basic questions that preoccupy many tweens, and are completely normal.

When however, do our preteen girls and their need to be part of what is going on, or at least connected to one friend to help them feel that they are doing okay, drive excessive texting, or I-M'ing? When does connection for comfort, that need to 'talk', turn from reassurance, that you are okay, and connected, to an activity that creates more problems?

Currently researchers are proposing that because it is so easy for us to connect via texting, social networking, that young women, teenagers and now tweens, are spending much more time talking with their friends about any problems or issues they may be having. The concern is that this can go from being fun, sociable, and reassuring, to at times creating more anxiety. While your preteen may not yet be having this problem, they will be moving toward these technologies to communicate with their friends in the not too distant future.

There are two concerns that are emerging and can become problematic as our girls' worlds are ones where they can connect so easily: 1) they can over-talk about things, which can actually create more worry, and an over preoccupation with an issue, 2) they can have trouble knowing when and how to say no to their friend, and take time for themselves and 3) they lose the ability to wait. Waiting is one of the most important psychological tools we can give to our children. If they learn now to sit still and wait, they will 'sit with' some of their feelings. This gives them an opportunity to not only know themselves better, but also to problem solve when the feeling dies down and they can think about it more rationally. (This is also a time when they might let you help them think through the situation with them out loud.) This increases their problem solving, and decision making skills; tools that are vital toward their psychological growth and well being.

But in this world of MySpace; YourSpace, how do we as parents, help our kids figure out how to take their own space? Particularly during this stage where they are identifying more with their peer group than with us? Here are some tips to help you navigate their ever-expanding world while trying to stay connected.

• If you don't think your child needs a cell phone yet, don't be afraid to say no. No, you are not ruining their life! If they have one already, and rely on texting for communication, certainly set some ground rules around when they can't text. Meal times need to be no texting zones. Take their phone away if it is interfering with their ability to do homework. Take it away at bedtime so that they don't stay up the next hour, texting a friend. Create cell-free zones and times.
  
• While bedtime rituals are changing from childhood, see if they will allow you to either comfort them, or problem solve through talking with you, when you are putting them to bed. I found this time with my daughter, who is now a teenager, after she had down time, reading her own book. She would want me around and be more open to telling me if she was struggling, if I gave her a backrub. It became something I could do to help her relax, and we ended up talking as she started to calm down.
  
• Separate your own feelings from those of your child's. We all have our own triggers for feeling left out, and being back in junior high, not part of the group, or fear of that happening. Try to let your child have their feelings without solving them yourself, and getting over involved. This is a time when they need you to be there but to allow them the space to figure out how they are going to manage their feelings. Give them the feeling that you trust how they will handle things and if they feel bad, you can handle them feeling that way. Help them to think through the situation with you by asking them more questions about how they might want to handle it, vs. giving them the answers.
  
• Let your kids 'save face' by setting the limits on the time they can be on the computer connecting, or texting. Being the bad guy and letting them blame it on you, helps them to take space, without offending their friends. They learn to say no. You are modeling that, and they learn about setting limits. It also helps them to learn that even when they might not want to say 'goodbye', or it feels too soon and they need to talk more, that they will 'reconnect' with their friends, and social groups the next day. This helps them deal with feelings of anxiety and they learn to trust the reconnect. 
  

Our preteens' needs for their social connections are only going to expand. As a parent, you can give them tools to help them navigate their expanding social world, with the ability to disconnect, take their own space, and remain connected to you.

This article is written by Donna Fish

Donna Fish is a licensed clinical social worker with a private practice in Manhattan, where she lives with her husband and three daughters.  She writes for The Huffington Post, A Child Grows in Brooklyn, and her own blog.  Ms. Fish has also written a book called "Take the Fight Out of Food: How to Prevent and Solve your Child's Eating Problems", has been an adjunct professor at Columbia University School of Social Work, and is a guest lecturer. You can find out more about Donna at DonnaFish.com.