Tweens and Chores -- HELP!

Source: Tween Parent Staff

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What are two words together than can make a parent shudder?  Try Tween and Chore! While some parents have mastered the task of teaching and training their preteen to regularly pitch in and help with family work, many others face a never-ending battle of procrastination and nagging, and eventually give up and do the tasks themselves.

Why does this happen? Experts suggest that it's a combination of parenting style and a preteen's disposition. Let's face it, unless your child is self-driven, it's a lot of work to organize a plan and follow through on chore assignments and completion. Without a good plan in place and the consistency of follow-up, we risk the pitfall of assigning responsibility without accountability, which can offset the value of tasks to begin with.

Benefits of Chores and Responsibility

• Teaches preteens to recognize that, while not always fun, work is an integral part of life. It also reinforces the value of good work habits, especially if the payoff is encouragement (and the possibility of a reward!).

• Highlights respect for the work that parents do on a daily basis and helps to offset a sense of entitlement that comes with having everything done for them.

• Helps satisfy tweens' growing need for independence. By sharing responsibility, we send the message that we know they are capable.

• Provides another opportunity to create routine and structure, which are important hallmarks of security as preteens seek independence in other areas of their lives.

• Promotes the practice of self-direction, task follow through, and understanding and meeting expectations of a job (all great life skills).

• Experts claim that children who are responsible and independent are more likely to succeed in school, in their careers, and in social relationships.

What's Fair to Expect?

Families have different needs and expectations of their children, so tasks will vary by family. The most important consideration when determining which tasks to assign is to select those that offer the highest likelihood for success. If the task is too daunting, your preteen will likely loose interest and then motivation. If the list of tasks is too basic, you run the risk of not challenging your tween enough and missing the benefits associated with a satisfying outcome. Creating the list together with your tween will foster joint ownership of the what's been agreed upon, further enhancing the likelihood of success.

Rather than delineating tasks by age, below are some ideas to think about -- some tasks might be fine for delegating, others they can assist with:

Self Care: wash hands, bathe/shower, brush/floss teeth, clean up after self, write thank you notes.

School Commitments: complete homework, return library books, practice activities (i.e., musical instrument, etc.).

Family Care: add to grocery list, food shop, garden, organize dvds, turn off unused lights, answer phone/take messages, set table for meal, help with siblings, help others with work when asked, respect other's property, use good manners!

Basic Cleaning/House Care: vacuum, dust, take out trash, manage recycling, water plants.

Kitchen: help prepare meals, make simple baked goods, load/unload dishwasher, hand wash dishes, wipe counters.

Laundry: fold laundry, distribute clean cloths.

Bedroom: make bed, change sheets, vacuum, dust, empty trash, organize room/clothes.

Outside: mow lawn, rake leaves, get mail.

Pets: feed, provide water, walk, litter box.

Be Clear About What is Expected and Make an Action Plan

If we don't articulate exactly what we mean or what is necessary to get the job done, we're in danger of significantly decreasing the likelihood of success. Rather than the broad sweeping direction of "clean your room," we need to articulate step-by-step instructions and expectations. For example, "every Saturday, I expect you to put your clothes in your dresser/closet/hamper, dust your dresser, vacuum your rug..." Without clear directions, tweens might think they're doing a great job and be confused and frustrated when we don't agree. If that happens, we might find ourselves back to square one with procrastination and nagging!

• Along with your tween, create a weekly chore list that identifies exactly what needs to be done and when it needs to be done, and provide a space to mark off each job as it's completed.

• Consider adding tasks over time so that it doesn't appear overwhelming and your tween is given an opportunity to "master" certain tasks and "internalize" them before others are added.

• Place the list in a very obvious place.

• Give a good deal of consideration to age appropriateness. Commit to reviewing with your child if it needs to be adjusted along the way; don't make it too rigid.

• Illustrate how you would approach a task and be open to input. Share tips you may have learned over time.

• Communicate positively and with confidence. If we label our children as being "disorganized" or "irresponsible," this can negatively impact their desire to contribute. Instead, coach them with skills that lead toward responsibility and organization.

• Articulate rewards and consequences. Give lots of praise and encouragement for a job well done.

• Focus more on the process and commitment rather than the outcome. Keep in mind that the teaching part will be more challenging and time consuming than doing the task yourself. The primary objective is to create a strong work and contribution ethic.

• As difficult as it may be, keep your tween involved if a problem needs to be solved. Otherwise, you send the message that you don't believe they are able or that you're there to bail your tween out; and it certainly doesn't teach the importance of being accountable.

Above all, be a good role model. Keep your promises to your child and don't make excuses. If you don't follow through when you promised, why should he be responsible about keeping his promises and agreements?