The Talk...Sex Education and Your Tween

Source: Tween Parent Staff

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It's here. It's difficult to imagine that it wasn't long ago that our children's development came in the form of pediatric visits focused on weigh-ins, teething woes, ear infections, sore throats and fevers. How time flies...and now we have yet another set of challenges. And this time, they've come in the form of puberty!

Girls usually experience the changes associated with puberty between the ages of 10-12 and, not surprisingly, it tends to happen a bit later for boys (between 12-15 years of age). Although, like any developmental milestone, there is a wide range of "normal." Regardless of where your tween is on the spectrum of physical development, there's a good chance that they're talking about it (and lots of other related topics) with their friends. As parents of pre-teens, if you haven't already initiated "The Talk," now's the time to get your thoughts in order!

Helping Your Tween Understand Sexuality

While schools often take a very active role in communicating with kids about human development and sexuality, it's important that parents take a lead role in the conversation. Experts agree that tweens need to know about the emotional and physical consequences of becoming sexually active, such as pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and a range of feelings. Discussing these issues now can help your child avoid feeling pressured to become sexually active before he or she is ready.

According to Planned Parenthood, young people are less likely to take sexual risks if they have:

• a positive view of sexuality (like intimacy, mutual respect and sexual pleasure)
• an awareness that they need to take care of their sexual health
• a clear understanding about their own values and their families' values
• good self-esteem and self-confidence
• well-developed interpersonal skills, such as assertiveness and decision-making abilities
• an understanding that their actions affect what happens
• a connection to home, family, and other caring adults in their community, school, or religious institution

Kids Really Do Want To Hear From Their Parents

Like many experts, Judith Steinhart, certified sexuality educator and clinical sexologist, cites that contrary to what we might guess, "research shows that kids want to learn about sex and sexuality from their parents." She stresses "the importance of talking with your children earlier than you think, so that they will have heard it from you first." That way, parents can help avoid having their child surprised by finding out (potentially inflammatory or inaccurate) details from a friend or classmate.

What Information Should Be Shared With Pre-Teens?

Keeping in mind that the pre-teen years generally span a four-year period (9-13 years old), with younger tweens needing less information than older tweens, Planned Parenthood offers the following advice on what their organization believes pre-teens need to know:

Adolescent Development

• how female and male bodies grow and differ
• that puberty starts at different times for girls and boys and for different individuals
• how to be comfortable with their changing bodies, especially in relationship to other children their age
• what menstruation and wet dreams are
• how to take care of their personal hygiene during menstruation
• that emotional changes are common during this time

Sexual Behavior

• how to accept human sexuality and their own sexual feelings as a natural part of life
• that people have sex for pleasure - that it's not done only to have a baby
• that masturbation is very common - that it is normal to masturbate, but only in private
• they don't have to feel guilt about masturbating
• what sexually transmitted infections and safer sex are
• how to talk about and practice safer sex
• what rape is
• what sex work is and why it's dangerous for young women and young men

Human Reproduction and Birth Control

• the biology of the fertility cycle, how pregnancy happens, and the basics about how a pregnancy develops
• that no one has to become a parent
• that birth control methods - including emergency contraception - can prevent pregnancy
• that 85 out of 100 women who have vaginal intercourse will become pregnant within a year if they do not use birth control
• how to talk about birth control and what some of the methods are
• how to get birth control
• what abortion is
• that women can get pregnant without having sex by using alternative insemination or other fertility treatments

Some Additional Helpful Tips for Parents

Judith Steinhart suggests visiting a local bookstore or library and perusing books on human development and sexuality. Once you've found one you like, leave it around the house for your child to encounter or offer it directly to your tween.

Spend some time thinking through your personal and family values to make sure that you're comfortable articulating them to your pre-teen. Then engage in an active discussion, accepting that you don't have the answer to every conceivable question.

For parents of girls, buy "period" supplies (underwear and different kinds of sanitary pads) in advance, put in attractive make-up case and have ready ahead of when it is needed.

Make yourself available when your tween wants to talk. Find the time and seize the opportunity to have a conversation whenever your tween reaches out. Even if it's uncomfortable, don't shy away from the awkwardness of the topic.

Find "teachable" instances that arise in daily life so that you have an opportunity to initiate a discussion. Watch your child's expressions and body language for cues on receptiveness.

Try not to just talk with your child about the potential negative aspects of sexuality. Talk about the positive aspects too. For example, you can talk about the thrill of falling in love with your partner.

Resources and addition articles that might be helpful while thinking through a sexual development conversation with your tween:

Judith Steinhart's website (certified sexuality educator and clinical sexologist)

Planned Parenthood

Talking to your kids about sex. American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

Parenting corner Q&A: Talking with your young child about sex. Mayo Clinic

Middle School Sex, by Rick Nauert, Ph.D. Senior News Editor, reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on April 13, 2009.  Source: The University of Texas School of Public Health

Books to consider:

It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families, by Robie Harris (for ages 7 and up)

It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing up, Sex, and Sexual Health, by Robie Harris (for ages 10 and up)

The "What's Happening to My Body?" Book for Boys: A Growing Up Guide for Parents and Sons, by Lynda Madaras and Martin Anderson (for ages 8 to 15)

The "What's Happening to My Body?" Book for Girls: A Growing Up Guide for Parents and Daughters, by Lynda Madaras and Marcia Herman-Giddens (for ages 8 to 15)