Why Has My Tween Developed Separation Anxiety?

Source: Diane Peters Mayer

(21 ratings)

"Why is my child so afraid to leave home?" It is the question all parents of tweens with separation fears ask-they want answers and who can blame them. Watching your child suffer is hard to do, and when a tween balks at leaving the house to go to school or won't go outside play with friends, parents have a tough time figuring out what is going on with their child.

Roberto's parents say that their son, aged 9, was a cautious baby who had difficulty separating from them not only during the ages of eighteen and twenty-four months, when separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood development, but also whenever something new or strange was introduced to him. Though an excellent student, school mornings find Roberto crying to stay home, complaining of a stomachache, and often he prefers to stay home instead of go outside to play with friends because he feels safer at home-he would rather draw, play with his dogs, or build with his Legos. Roberto's anxiety is creating a rift between his parents. Dad is frustrated and angry at his "sissy" son and Mom who has a history of Panic Disorder, feels guilty that she's to blame for Roberto's problems and feels powerless what to do about it.

Roberto needs help with anxiety, but so do his parents: his father to accept, understand and honor his child for who he is, his mother to stash the guilt, and both to become proactive and supportive in Roberto's healing.

There are two major reasons that cause tweens to develop the fear of leaving home. Pre-adolescence is a time of great transition and turmoil and your child's personality plays an important role in how he or she will cope with and adapt to change. Anxiety is also believed to run in families, which is likely a combination of nature and nurture.

Personality is defined as the intrinsic qualities and characteristics that include beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, emotions, habits, and behaviors, and it is how these factors combine that make your child the unique person she is. Children who are anxious seem to share many general traits and characteristics.

Does your child display any of the following?

• A high degree of sensitivity, creativity and imagination. Anxious children may have vivid mental images of scary and terrifying things happening to themselves or to their parents that they cannot turn off-which can lead to chronic worry.
• The fight or flight response turns on quickly to both internal and external stimuli. For example, having a mild stomachache or thinking about an upcoming test can rev up tension and thoughts about danger.
• It's often difficult for anxious children to express their feelings because they may fear losing control or that people will get angry at them.
• They may be inflexible and unforgiving about themselves and others and tend toward rigid thinking-things are good or bad, right or wrong, black or white.
• Perfectionism is common in anxious kids which includes focusing on minor mistakes, seeing the negative not the positive side of things, and setting up unrealistic goals for themselves and others.

Other characteristics are aspects of having low self-worth which include: being sensitive to criticism, comparing oneself negatively to others, and the need for acceptance and approval in order to feel good.

Decades of research has shown that anxiety seems to run in families and there are two possible reasons for this:

• If anyone in your family has had an anxiety disorder such as Panic Disorder, your child could be genetically loaded to have one too. DNA has been linked to not only things like hair color, height and body type, but to a person's temperament and emotional structure which includes attitude about life and degree of sensitivity to internal and external stimuli.
• Parents are the most important role-models in their children's lives. How you feel about yourself and act and react to life's events, people, and the world around you will impact your child's ability to handle themselves in their expanding world. This is called modeling, and many experts who research anxiety believe it plays as important a role as genetics.

So you've determined that yes, you are anxious, maybe even suffered from anxiety similar to what your child is going through now. Or you are aware that too often your reactions to life's curveballs are, well, not exactly what you want your child to see and imitate. Please, right now, take a long calming breath, allow yourself your humanness, don't buy a ticket for a guilt trip, and believe that you can make changes to benefit your child and your family. Here are some helpful tips:

• Stay calm and breathe-learn how to calm yourself at will no matter what your child is saying or how he is behaving. You want to communicate to your child that you are in control of the situation though he may not be, while also teaching him how to handle intense emotions, to problem-solve, and meet life's challenges in positive ways. 
• Teach your child and the whole family calming techniques, such as belly breathing, and good coping strategies to reduce household stress and tension.
• Learn to use effective communication when talking to your child about his fears and why he finds it so hard to leave you or the house.

Remember, anxiety is scary and isolating for children and kids often feel like they are weak in some innate way or a failure when compared to other non-anxious kids. Help your child become aware of his strengths. A fun activity to do with your child is to find stories about famous people who suffer or have suffered from anxiety so your child can see that anxiety does not mean that he cannot be happy and successful.

Copyrighted 2009 by Diane Peters Mayer

Diane Peters Mayer is a licensed social worker in private practice in Doylestown, PA for 18 years, specializing in school anxiety, anxiety disorders and performance anxiety. She is the author of Overcoming School Anxiety, AMACOM, 2008; The Everything Health Guide to Controlling Anxiety, Adams Media, 2005. Diane has two grown daughters and lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and rescued beagle mix. You can find out more about Diane at DianePetersMayer.com.

Articles in the series:
Helping Your Tween with Separation Anxiety
Why is My Tween Afraid to Leave Home? Understanding Chronic Anxiety