Sex Esteem: When to Talk About Sexuality and Values to Tweens

Source: Sari Eckler Cooper

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When I tell people I am a sex therapist and sexuality educator in social settings, the first thing they tell me is the age of their children and then say: "I don't have to talk about that yet, right?" or "Thankfully my 8 year-old hasn't asked me any questions yet so I'm safe."
There seems to be this discomfort in having to face the fact that as a parent they will have to discuss sexuality with their child. Most parents I speak to are trying to put it off for as long as possible. As far as the timing of the discussion, there seems to be a notion that children don't need to know many facts or values before middle school because that is when they'll be hit with all those hormones and develop crushes on other kids. That is when they'll require the information so why not keep them innocent until then?

How is it that kids can watch movies with sexual content (even the PG movies have sexual scenarios in them, maybe not nudity per se) or references to sexual situations as well as loads of violence, and parents don't think it's appropriate for them discuss sexuality? I've heard parents say: "Oh, it'll go right over their heads; they're not focusing on that part." I say: That's just not true.

Kids are natural learners and if you show them something or they hear something, they'll absorb it. Maybe not the way you had intended them to, but they'll learn it all the same. So when they hear the word "blow" in a rap song or a character on a show refers to "hooking up" with someone, they may ask a friend what it means or imagine a definition for it on their own. If you don't talk early and often about sexuality in age-appropriate terms to your kids, you will not be presenting yourself as an askable parent.

The myth that if you talk about sexuality, you're encouraging your kids to engage in sex early is also not true. You, as a parent, are the primary teacher for your child and are therefore in a position to place the information in context of your family values. If your values include a certain age or situation prior to your child engaging in dating or sexual intercourse, these boundaries should be articulated clearly and early on. Kids need rules and boundaries clearly articulated for many things, from bedtimes and types of food they're allowed to eat to when they will be allowed to walk to the corner store alone, drive a car, or drink alcohol. Why shouldn't they know about your expectations regarding sexual behavior?

These days kids are being marketed to in much more direct ways due to FCC laws that were repealed in the early 1990's which have given much freer reign to the networks to develop shows that are basically long commercials to sell licensed products and games. These shows include subject matter that would have been deemed too risque in your day. And although kids present as more sophisticated and knowledgeable, most of what they know are bits and pieces without the context of how to say no when they're put in uncomfortable situations, what values their parents hold about specific actions, and the consequences that can incur from certain choices. This is where parents are needed and I believe must overcome their shyness or inexperience talking.

The following are just a few reasons why it's important to develop your ability to discuss sexuality with your tween.

There is no such thing as one conversation. It should be a series of discussions, stories, comments and tips with you as the parent, over several years, that will enable your child to feel confidant about their body, what and when they choose to do certain sexual behaviors and what to consider before making those thought out choices.

Don't Wait Until They Ask. Some kids never ask and if they sense that you aren't volunteering information on the subject, they'll receive the unconscious message that the subject is off limits. They will then turn to other sources for information which may be inaccurate and without your values attached to it.

Don't wait until middle school to start the discussions. Your kids are already feeling awkward with the changes going on in their bodies and are beginning to separate emotionally from you. If you haven't begun the conversation by now, they've received the message that the subject is taboo in your home. If you've had conversations before middle school, they'll regard you as an askable parent on whom they can rely for accurate information.

Knowing does not encourage early experimentation. In fact, the more knowledge a child has, the better chance she/he has in being able to make informed, responsible decisions in a variety of situations. Knowledge encourages confidence and self-esteem.

As parents, we spend a lot of time choosing the right school, food, athletic programs and the like for our children. It is a parent's responsibility to teach themselves how to become good teachers. Since many parents received virtually no information from their own parents, they don't necessarily have a role model by which to mold themselves. I like to say that I'm a coach with parents, encouraging them to check out a variety of materials and develop their own personal style as a teacher with their child since each child learns in a unique fashion.

Sari Eckler Cooper LCSW is an individual, couples and sex therapist as well as a sexuality educator who has been in private practice for 18 years in New York City. Her post-graduate work was done at The Ackerman Institute for the Family and the Human Sexuality Program/UMDNJ Robert Wood Johnson Medical School. She is an active member of AASECT, SSTAR, ISSWSH, TWSHF, and NASW. She has written about sexuality and presented talks on How to Talk to Your child about Sex and Crushes, Why the Light Goes Out and How to Turn it Back On and Body Image Issues and How they Affect One's Sex Life. She's a featured expert on the website www.health.com, www.healthywomen.com, and www.tween.com. She has been featured and written for Timeout New York, Esquire Magazine, and Contemporary Sexuality. She writes her own blog on her website www.saricooper.com.
She is running a 6-week educational group for parents beginning January 13th titled: Sex Esteem: How to Talk to Your Tweens about Sexuality and Values. The cost is $240 for all 6 groups. If you are interested in joining the group please contact her at sari@saricooper.com or at 212-787-5010.