Tweens and Secrets: Six Keys to Help Parents Get Their Daughters to Talk

Source: Carrie Silver-Stock

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Secrets are a part of girls growing up. They create bonds between best friends and many times are innocent, but they can be extremely harmful. It is important for parents to be aware of the dangerous secrets girls might keep, like what's happening on her cell phone, feelings of insecurity, underage drinking, or even what's happening in her dating relationships. Girls naturally begin pulling away from their parents in fifth grade and middle school as friends become more important. This is developmentally normal, but at the same time, that doesn't mean parents can't have a good relationship with their daughter. It does mean parents need to look for new ways to strengthen relationships and keep communication channels open. Below you'll find six things parents can do to get their daughters to talk.

Build a Foundation of Trust
Building a foundation of trust doesn't mean you become best friends with your daughter. It does mean you create an atmosphere in your home and your relationship where your daughter feels safe and able to share things without judgment or teasing. Be a good listener. It's easy for parents to quickly jump in with solutions or their own opinions. When she does open up, make sure you keep her secrets safe. This means you shouldn't blurt her business to your best friend or even other family members. Keeping her trust is a critical piece of your relationship.

Messing Up is Okay
Girls are under tremendous pressure to be ‘perfect,' from good grades to excelling in sports to being polite to others. Let her know it's okay to take risks, and to goof up. Knowing this, she will be more likely to take good risks at school, like trying something new, but also, she will find it much easier to talk about a problem she might experience. If she knows you don't expect perfection and failure happens to everyone, she will be more likely to open up. Sometimes parents can be the biggest role model for this. If you make a mistake, take note of your reaction. Did you beat yourself up over it in front of your daughter, or were you able to take it in stride and talk about how you learned from the mistake and moved on?

Make Quality Time a Priority
Even in the best parent child relationships, parents and teens often say it's hard to find time for each other. Make quality time a priority. During the week it might be as simple as having a ten minute check in, talking to her when you're driving in the car together, or even sending each other text messages. Make sure you carve out other times where you can hang out. Maybe you have a special date together every other weekend or once a month. Get her input as well and figure out what makes sense for both of you. Consider finding something you enjoy doing together like biking, seeing a play, or going to an art class.

Build Her Problem Solving Confidence
Model for her how you deal with problems that come up in your life, from issues with friends to problems at work. When she has a challenge she is working through, be a sounding board and try to let her come up with the right steps for resolution. Let's say she's been arguing with a friend, if the problem isn't resolved after her first attempt continue to help her brainstorm. Once the issue has been dealt with you might say things like, "I noticed how dedicated you were." Or, "what was the thing that helped you most deal with Sarah?" Or, "what did you learn from this?" Next time a problem comes her way and she feels unable to deal with it, remind her of times where she did work through an issue and help her build on those. Having the confidence to deal with her problems independently will give her more confidence to speak up to you when needed.

Give Her Space
Finding the right amount of space to give your daughter is a delicate balance for any parent. You certainly don't want to hover, but you also don't want to be so uninvolved that you don't know what's really going on in her life. It's okay for both of you to talk about the space in your relationship, what feels good for both of you, and what your expectations are. Figure out between the two of you how you can talk about more difficult subjects. Everyone's style is different. Some girls need time to process how they are going to bring something up and others blurt it out. Some people write down thoughts better than talking about them. Discuss your different styles and find middle ground.

Pay Attention to the Details
In our busy lives it's easy to stop paying attention to what our kids are saying and even doing. Pay attention to statements she makes about herself and also her actions. Does she put herself down frequently or make comments about not having friends? Everyone will be different, but their words and actions reveal important clues. If you notice any kind of behavioral changes in sleeping, eating, school activities, or friends, don't ignore this. Watch closely and see if you need to talk more about something going on. Don't ignore your own instincts and don't be afraid to bring up concerns you have with her.

If you can implement these six tips into your life, you will create a foundation where hopefully the most dangerous secrets aren't kept from you. You will have a solid foundation of trust and support where your daughter will more readily talk to you about her life and the challenges she faces.

Carrie Silver-Stock, MSW, LCSW, is a social worker and the founder of www.girlswithdreams.com, a social networking site that provides support, advice, and tips on the issues girls struggle with most. She is the author of Secrets Girls Keep: What Girls Hide (& Why) and How to Break the Stress of Silence (HCI).