Tweens and Independence: Keeping Them Safe

Source: Kim Estes

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It eventually happens -- your tween asks to stay home or go to the movies or the mall -- without you. Excitement (for them)! Anxiety (for you)! Merging their independence and maintaining safety can be a delicate balance. Here are some simple steps to help you keep your sanity and help your tween make a safer transition toward independence.

Is your 11 year old ready to go to the mall or the movies without parents?
Now is the time to discuss your expectations and safety rules with your tween. Let your child know that many of these safety rules are the same ones that adults follow. These safety rules are not about treating them like a "baby" but rather to help them safely navigate the adult world around them, just as adults do. Safety is a life skill that is built over time. Some common sense safety rules for tweens (and adults):

• Never accept rides from anyone (even if you know them) without checking in with you.
• Always check in if "The Plan" changes.
• Stay with your group - use the buddy system. Always.
• Don't take short cuts home (if they are walking). Stay on a populated well lit route.
• Don't approach an unknown vehicle to offer assistance.

Testing your tweens independence.
Can your tween handle a safety test run? Try this: wait in the car (or stand by outside) and have your tween run into the grocery store for a couple of items.

• How did your tween do? 
• Did your tween stick to the task given to them? 
• Was your tween able to pay the cashier correctly?
• Did your tween seem comfortable doing the test run?
• Ask your tween what they thought about going into the store alone.
• Try this test run out with your tween's friend along. 
• Did they still stick to the task? Was being with a friend distracting? 
• How did the friend do? (This is valuable information if this is the friend they want to go to the mall with.)

You can try this same test run at their favorite fast food place or other places where you can stay close and they can test their skills. Practice asking your tween some "What if" scenarios. How well do they respond? It may also be time to invest in a simple cell phone for your tween so that your tween can stay connected with you. As you both become more comfortable doing these small exercises, the trip to the mall or the movies will not seem as scary (to you)!

Signs your tween may not be fully ready to go to the mall or the movies alone.

• Your tween has difficulty with the test runs.
• Your tween does not seem to understand or is unable to respect your safety rules.
• Your tween seems apprehensive or anxious about going. (Sometimes your tween may feel the pressure to join their friends even if they are not comfortable with the plans. They may want you to be the bad guy!)
• Your tween is easily persuaded by negative peer pressure.

Breaking the news and telling your tween that they cannot go to the mall with their friends.
Yep, that is bound to make them mad. Your Tween will probably storm off, slam a door (or two), maybe even tell you that you are the WORST PARENT EVER. It's not going to go over well. It is OK. Let them be angry, let them storm off. When things cool down, talk to your Tween again about your rules for safety and let them know you are willing to make extra time to do practice runs. This will give your tween an opportunity to show you that they can go places without you and you can show them that you really are not the helicopter parent that you swore you were never going to be. The more your tween is able to talk to you about their need for independence, the more you will able to help, support and nurture them through this transition.

Kim Estes is the co-founder of the non-profit organization: Parent Education And Child Empowerment (P.E.A.C.E of Mind) www.pomwa.org. Kim has worked with parents for over 12 years, educating them on various parenting topics. Kim and her cohort in crime prevention, Sabrina, help liberate parents from fearful parenting! Through non fearful techniques and easy to apply parenting strategies, they help empower families to be safe.