Empowering Your Daughter

Source: Stacey Radin

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We all know that middle school aged kids have a lot to deal with. Girls, in particular, are managing a minefield of peer related issues while developing their identity. What used to be so simple for them when they were younger now has an added element of complexity. On top of this, kids want to be taken seriously by adults. They want adults to listen, to step back and not hover over their every move. They need their parents to be supportive when they make mistakes.

In order to become happy and successful adults, kids need to get to know their strengths and weaknesses through trial and error. When older kids experience helicopter parenting, they often feel shut down and frustrated, particularly when adults take charge of their projects and decide what they "should" be doing and "who" they should be doing this with versus allowing them to make decisions that are age appropriate. The additional pressure girls feel to be perfect often magnifies the frustration they feel when attempts at independence don't go as planned. That said, even though pre-teens will never admit it, kids still look to their parents for guidance and ultimately rely on them to develop self-esteem. So, how do parents give their children the freedom they need to both succeed and fail, while offering a solid support system? That is a million dollar question! Here is a good start:

• Be clear about who you are versus who your daughter is and let her identity flourish. Often we have an agenda when parenting but now is the time to let that go. Let your daughter have the freedom to develop who she is and support that even if it is something you may not relate to as much.
• Don't worry so much. Our daughters feel our anxiety and respond to it. As women we are still in touch with our own adolescence and try very hard to prevent our daughters from experiencing pain, rejection and discomfort. But they have to go through these trials and tribulations in order to learn.
• Be the navigating system of the car rather than the driver. Empower your daughter to know her strengths and use them. Be there for guidance and direction and try to refrain from planting seeds of advice.
• Ask questions and take the time to learn your daughter's dreams, her thoughts and ideas. 
• Avoid being reactive. This heightens a girl's anxiety. If she is not included in parties or activities, allow her to express disappointment. However, keep in mind that getting angry and upset is not the solution. Remind her that everyone feels like they do not fit in sometime in life. Your daughter will look to you as the emotional thermometer and you will need to manage your own feelings to help her.
• Validate your daughter's self-worth by spending time together doing activities you both enjoy. The dynamics of the relationship with your pre-teen are changing but you can experiment with different activities and develop new interests together. One option to consider is doing community service work that you both find meaningful. Helping others is a great way to encourage pre-teens take a broader view of the world.
• Keep perspective. It is important to remember that incidents are one moment in time. Your daughter will not always succeed and she is not perfect. Much more important is the learning that comes from making a mistake. In life it is realistic to understand that there is both disappointment and joy. 

Dr. Stacey Radin is the CEO of the leadership consulting firm, Corporate EQ. Her current research in power and influence of women in our society has led to writing a book on this topic and the development of a not for profit organization, Unleashed. Developed in January 2010, Unleashed is an experiential leadership program for girls, empowering them to be social change agents, using animal rescue as their leadership laboratory. The program officially launches in September 2010 and will be located in 3 New York City schools.